27 November 2005

tough day

My heart is hurting right now. When I start to feel like this, it feels foreign. I've been trying so hard to be so strong and hold it all in. Why? I have no clue. I'm generally an emotional person - not afraid to cry or feel blue if comes. But these days have not been all that tear-filled. I'm just doing it. Life. One day at a time. Lots of fun times, hectic times, stressful times, laughter, shared moments, good food, hugs, i-love-yous, phone calls, weekends away, long nights, long days.

I almost think something else has to happen to bring out what I'm feeling inside. The first time it was one of Jaxon's preschool teachers going on about how she and her husband used to spend time apart when he travelled for his job and then later only seeing him 3 days a week and how hard it was and how she cried all the time. I thought to myself "am I strange? why haven't i been crying my eyes out at even the thought of my husband being away?" I left, got into my car and proceeded to pretty much bawl all the way to work.

Tonight I was on the phone with my mum and it was a depressing conversation. We don't have those. I was just so "down". I had zero energy for talking and it showed. Instead of pretend everything was fine, I didn't hide that I'm off. I'm so sick of the same conversation every time "that sucks" and "how long" and "when" and "why" and "how hard". I'm sick of it because I want him home now. At least for a little bit. I need him home with me. I'm angry. I'm angry that I don't know when. I'm angry that it's supposed to be over but because of the way the corporate world works, no one knows anything about anything...why they're still there, when they might be coming home, when the next job might be.

I admit it. I have been in denial about the whole thing. I have been so freaking busy that there have been some days that I haven't even thought about how much it sucks. The days come and go and now it's been two months. I have kept the words "temporary" and "soon" and "hopefully" in my internal dialogue on rotation constantly. The "it's over!" moment and getting our hopes up, only to have them stretched out over another week (two...three...???). It's made us mad and stressed out and sad. We really really need a refresher. We need to be a unit for more than 48 hours.

This is really really tough. I thought I might write about it. I think it helped a bit.

7 comments:

Robyn said...

hey girl! been out of town a bit over a week and feel like i missed a lot- I hope they get your man home SOON- like now! Sending "send D home" vibes your way. :)

Ashley said...

aww G.
damn im so sorry.
*my* heart hurts for you.
i just talked to you.
you were so happy.
so upbeat.
you were cheering *me* up
i should move into the closet.
we could be there for each other.
IM me.
love you.
so much.

ash

Missy said...

oh Gen. I can hardly imagine how you feel.
Please know you've got online buddies here to lift you back up when you're feeling down :)

April said...

aw poor gen...keep your chin up girl. i hope he comes home soon...for you and for your family. let me know if you need to chat. we listen reeeal good. :)

xoxoxoxox

Erin said...

good for you! it's okay to be MAD! i'd be mad too. it's damn hard for you and dren right now and it's ok to acknowledge that!!! you also know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you're gonna come out of this as super woman! you're already my hero. call me any time of day girl, ANY TIME!

Jen said...

It always helps me to wirte stuff down, just to get it out, ya know? So I'm glad you did.

And I ditto what April said...we're here....if only on-line...if you just need to talk.

HUgs Gen

erika said...

ahhh lovebug...
i'm so sorry.
wish i could help.
i'm sending a big ol'cyber hug to you xxxxe