24 January 2006

depressed?

I think not. Supposedly today is the most depressing day of the year. Here in Vancouver it is gorgeous. Sunny and crisp.

The beautiful weather compelled me to go for a small stroll today. I left work and ventured outside. the breeze and fresh air were amazing. It reminded me of a couple things. One, I do not go for enough walks. Yes, it's been wintery and rainy and disgusting out. But still. I would survive a walk or ten, and probably be way better off for it. I have not found out a way to fit exercise into my life, and it's not good. Two, it reminded me so much of the wonderful clean air and peaceful walks on Saturna. That place is like a sanctuary for me. I feel like a different human when I'm there. Calm. No stress. I sleep like a rock.

Thinking about Saturna makes me think of my mama. Her heart is so hurting right now. My parents have been on a difficult spin for just over a year now. It was shortly after the shit hit the fan with them that I found scrapbooking. Can I just say how insanely lucky that is?? My life has gotten so much better over the last year. I am a better person, a nicer human, a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Of course I've got a million issues still...but I'm in a way better frame of mind to deal with them.

While my life has changed for the better due to the therapy of scrapbooking (I am NOT kidding), my parents have been on a long and painful road to...? Who knows what is going to happen. They are both reluctant to let go of 30+ years of marriage without a lot of time, effort, and thought. They know that if they split up they will not get back together.

While I am certainly holding my own pain in my heart (man, I actually FEEL it), I really just want to be there for my mum. She is just so sad. And that makes me so sad. I want to be where she is. I want to hug her and take her pain away. I know that's not possible. I know she has to go through this. And is she ever the epitome of strength. Holy cow. I tell her I'm here, I listen when she speaks, and I try to bring some sunshine into her life. I'm glad she's getting stronger. I look forward to the day when they are released...one way or another.

And though I now realize I have no relationship with my father, who I thought I was so close to, I know that will come later. Or not. More than ever, I am focused on the existing relationships. Dren. Jaxon. My mum, sisters, friends. People who I love and who love me back.

We had Vietnamese for lunch today. I got a fortune cookie and opened it at the end of the meal. It said "Look deeply within to root out negative attitudes". Yessir.

That's it that's all. Happy (sunshiny!!!) Tuesday.

8 comments:

Missy said...

aaww this post just made me want to HUG you, gen.
I'm thinking of you... and your parents. And I'm glad you have such a great attitude... it will be your best ally.

April said...

i heard on the radio this a.m. that today was the most depressing day of the year too! how funny...

i love this post...and your happy outlook...and most of all, the fact that i get to meet you super super soon!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Erin said...

oh gen,
i just love you even more after reading this blog...
you are so very strong,
i don't think you even realize.
how lucky am i to have a sweet friend like you!

Amber said...

you know what, i could have written this post about 3 years ago...i really could have....i love you. keep rooting out that negative love...k?
XO

em said...

you're always stronger that you think you are...something i have learnt lately! sending love to you from sunny LA xxx

susieq said...

You are such a strong woman. You always bring sunshine in front of your path. I'll be thinking about you and family. *hugs*

Jen said...

I feel for you Gen...I've been there, and yes, it's hard. I know. You can always email or IM me if you want to chat, k??
And, I completely agree about scrapping changing your life, I feel the exact same way.

gabbyfek said...

hugs hugs and more hugs, my gen.
families can be so hard..
i feel for you...
focus on the good. that's so right. that's why i have the e.
loves to you,
xox,
g