07 February 2006

i'm sorry to report

disclaimer: i might ramble...sorry.

it's been another tough evening.
the day was OK.
i got an email tonight from my dad.
i'm not sure i would normally share this, but to be honest my emotions are so raw right now that i feel like writing and crying might be therapeutic. somehow writing to share is easier and comes more easily...sharing with people who care...
some of you might know that i have two sisters. they're actually my half sisters, but we're so close that i don't introduce them as, "this is my half-sister aley/rhi"...i just call them my sisters. they don't biologically belong to my father, but he's treated them as his. they also have a relationship with their dad, so it's not like my dad took the place of theirs. they call him by his name, tony. a year ago something happened that totally rocked our family and put my parent's relationship on the rocks officially after 30 years of marriage. for a year they have struggled...tried, sought therapy, fought, communicated, made an effort. let's not pretend they had a perfect marriage up until that point - not true by any means. this was only the symptom of the real problems lying deep below the surface of what they called marriage. this little bit of background might help you understand the email below a little more.

email from dad:
Subject: Update
Not a happy one, I'm afraid. There's no easy way to say it. I've decided to live alone, at least for the present. Annie has graciously agreed to stay in Vancouver until we make a final decision. I'm afraid that at least to begin with you are all likely to see this as selfish on my part, and grossly unfair to your mother. I want you to know that's pretty much the way I see it too, although Annie doesn't agree with 'unfair', that's because she's so scrupulously honourable and fair herself, among her other fine and lovely attributes.

You might wonder, since she's so terrific, why I don't want to live with her. Sometimes I have to wonder myself. But I'm afraid that at the moment I can see no other way to a completely honest future, together or apart, than by being separate now.

If you want to write to me, or call, I'll be genuinely happy to talk to you or write back. If you don't want to do any of that for now, I completely understand. I love you all.

/end email from dad

so i read it. i don't think i've even read it all yet. i saw it, i realized my mum was in town almost at the minute i read it, and called her. my sister aley was over. we had gone for a brisk walk (yay - exercise!) before having dinner all together. mum was bringing stuff in from the car to her house (she takes a ferry from saturna island...their "retirement" place). we hung up. i got sad. really truly sad. i'm just so sad. she called back when she was done unloading and talked to aley. aley got sad. it was an evening of hugs and tears in my house. i said to her..."i really want to be with mum...i want to take her flowers and for her to not be alone...i want to give her a hug". so we did. we went to safeway. we got her three bright bright primulas - all different gorgeous colours. then we wanted to make sure she had snacks and food. we got her a croissant for the morning. crackers, cheese, butternut squash soup, carrots, apples, grapes, milk...

so we took the goods to her and she smiled so large. we both gave her huge hugs and i promptly burst into tears. but it was good to just know she was ok. to be able to get that hug...for myself...not just to be able to give her one. i realized as much as i wanted to do for her...she was doing for me. we have a strong bond, her and i. i'm glad we three got to sit and talk.

i am so confused. i am so upset. i am so mad. at every turn of events my brain patterns shift. i'm reminded all of a sudden that this is happening. it has been a year of emotional turmoil. i feel such extreme sadness for my mama. i feel like i might be mourning my relationship with my father. i have realized how little of a relationship i have with my father.

sharing feels ok. writing is therapeutic. so is the l a r g e glass of wine that dren just placed in front of me. if nothing else i am learning some lessons that my parents could have stood to learn 30 years ago. i appreciate my husband so much right now.

thank you so much for listening if you have made it to this point.


Kathy said...

omgosh Gen I am so sorry :( HUGE hugs my dear!!!

You know where I am if you ever need to chat or drink ;) k

Angie said...

((hugs)) gen. I am so sorry. I hope you feel better after sharing. ((hugs))

renee said...

awww...gen. i'm here for you babe. :( we should talk. definitely need to talk. love ya hun! and i'm thinking of you and your mom and sisters.

Missy said...

awww Gen... I am so sorry... I know how you feel... and you know I'm here if you need to talk. xoxox.

gabbyfek said...

oh gen.
my angel friend.
i am so sorry.... i want you here. now. to give you MORE hugs... families are just so hard. mourning the loss of relationships you thought you'd have all your life-- nearly impossible. and i understand. and i've been there. and i'm here for you.
love you, my dear one.

wendi said...

i'm so sorry to hear this! i hope things get better for you soon. i'm sure it will help having your mom close

em said...

oh man. this sucks. i'm glad you can talk about it, and i wish i could do something to stop the hurt! dammit why can't i heal the whole world?!! i know how you are feeling. and i'm sorry. sending you LA love, hang in there! xx

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